Beyond rules, expectations and control - an uncomfortable and endlessly rewarding space

I often call it the "grey space" but it is also a place of endless possibilities

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what it is to move away from the black and white thinking that defines modern-day parenting, and to embrace instead sitting in the uncomfortable, but ultimately rewarding, space of not-knowing.

Most advice for parents is designed to make things certain and definite. We’re told that it’s all about clear rules, firm boundaries, routines and above all else, consistency. We need to set expectations, reinforce positive behaviour, and nip things we don’t like in the bud. Our children, we’re told, will naturally test our boundaries and push back against us, but we must hold on tight no matter what. To do otherwise would be confusing for our children and lead to some kind of chaos. All of this seems to be based on the core beliefs that we know best and that children make bad choices, so they need to do as we say.

Which is why I often talk about the grey space that arises in unschooling. Because when we step away from the assumption that the adult is always right and always gets the final say, things are no longer black and white. When we believe that children deserve to be heard and respected, and we prefer to be their ally and not their judge, then the answer is not always clear at all. In fact, some days may feel like a long list of open-ended questions:

Is it unhealthy for him to still be on his iPad? I’ve paid for this activity, so should I insist she goes? Should I try to wake them up earlier? Is it okay to change my mind? Can I say yes today when I said no yesterday?….

It can feel very uncomfortable to sit with the questions. The socially acceptable answers are obvious of course. Limit the iPad, make her go to the activity, get them out of bed, don’t change your mind, stick to your guns. Either you’re in charge, or they are, or so the narrative goes.

And, to some parents it may initially feel a bit like that. Where’s the limit? they ask. At what point do I need to step in and grab the reins again? And if I can’t insist, cajole or coerce then what on earth can I do? Do I just go along with everything that ever happens?

But, that is still black and white thinking, and this journey takes us to far more interesting places! The grey space is not a different configuration of power, but a place of partnership, where we put control aside, prioritise the relationship, deepen our understanding of ours and our children’s emotions and needs, and figure out where on earth that should lead us. The answers come from the sitting-with and the exploration itself.

And here is the beauty of unschooling. It certainly lacks the superficial consistency of a parent who is always right and never budges, and the grey space can sometimes feel like wading through treacle. But, although it may look inconsistent from the outside, in fact, there is nothing more deeply consistent than always offering a place where relationship is centred and everyone is considered. These are far more solid foundations than rules, boundaries, expectations, and other immovable things.

As I’ve been pondering this, I realise that there are moments every day where I feel the tension of not knowing how something will evolve or play out. It can definitely feel uncomfortable but it also feels hopeful because I know that we’ll eventually find our way through in a way that feels coherent to us all.

Over the years, as I have learned to sit in the not-knowing, I’ve seen over and over again how things have space to evolve in ways I could never have imagined. A child makes a suggestion that hasn’t occurred to me. A conversation reveals that there is far more for me to understand than I realised. Something that felt like a problem to be solved evaporates in a moment of connection. Things lose their urgency and amble down new paths. The initial question morphs into something else. It’s all entirely unpredictable and it unfailingly leads us somewhere new together.

It is a wonderful thing to escape from all the “shoulds” and to turn instead to you and your child. And perhaps calling this the grey space doesn’t do it justice. This place, where nothing is assumed and where there is no power struggle, is filled with endless possibilities. It is a place of presence, connection, deeper wisdom and learning. And, what better gift to give our children than the knowledge that they need not be overwhelmed by the not-knowing? That a solid foundation in life doesn’t lie in following someone else’s (potentially ill thought-out) rules, but in having the capacity to sit awhile in discomfort, trusting that they can always find their way through in a way that makes sense to them.