Good enough is good enough!

My new anti-perfectionism mantra seems to be working

One of my sons was filling in an online application form for something the other day and was asking for my opinion on a couple of things. After some to-ing and fro-ing on the wording of a particularly tricky bit, he said he would send it as it was because it was good enough. My heart sang when he said those words – “good enough!” — and I felt some deep happiness that perhaps I have managed to pass on one of my most hard earned lessons to him. That good enough really is good enough.

I remember when this same son was a baby and I took a deep dive into child psychology. In my reading, I came across British child psychologist Donald Winnicott and his concept of “the good enough mother”. I remember the sigh of relief. Thank God, I thought, even if I don’t do this perfectly, things might still be okay. In fact, according to Winnicott, good enough is just the ticket.

Though I found the concept extremely soothing, it took a me a long time to come anywhere close to internalising it, and ironically, taking our children out of school initially encouraged my perfectionist ways. I realise now that without the universally accepted measures of school (attendance, grades etc), this is an easy trap to fall into: the heavy weight of responsibility we now hold for our children’s learning; the desire to appease or prove ourselves to those who don’t quite understand what we’re doing; the fear of getting this all terribly wrong and living with the regret and our children’s ire; the Instagram-happy families who do seem to be doing this perfectly, so surely it must be possible? There are many reasons we strive to get things perfect when school is not in the picture.

But striving for anything beyond good enough can be a recipe for a really miserable day. All you see are the things your children aren’t doing, the things that you’re not doing well enough, the things that other people might disapprove of, all the ways that this could all be just…better. Rather than focusing on what is, you focus on the gap between what is and what you think it should be, and on how you could close that gap. As a result, you miss what is actually happening, the things you’re not looking for, the unexpected, the magic! And, your own tension and sense of dissatisfaction is almost certainly picked up on by your children, making the space you’re holding for them feel a little less free and joyful.

As is often the case, noticing our own destructive or unhappy patterns whilst also attempting to hold our children in a different way can help us unpick and shift those patterns. Three things in particular have helped me move away from my old perfectionist ways and to (mostly!) being able to settle for good enough:

1) Remembering always that this is a process, not a destination. As such, it is always unfolding, shifting and changing. Even if I were to get one piece looking “perfect”, another piece would quickly move out of place. Perfection is mission impossible!

2) Consciously encouraging the attitude of “good enoughness” in my children, even when that felt a little unnatural to me. Seeing firsthand the happiness that comes from cheerfully accepting imperfection has been enlightening.

3) Intentionally looking at “what is” and getting curious about it. Just because something doesn’t look like how I or someone else imagined it would look doesn’t mean it’s less valid. Curiosity is always our greatest friend and will often lead us exactly to the piece we need to see to understand that this is certainly good enough.

So if you find that you are struggling with one or some of the pieces of your unschooling puzzle, see what happens when you shift your gaze away from the gap and focus instead on what is. Bring some curiosity to it, remind yourself that there is no end goal, and consider if perhaps things are good enough for now

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